Just Introduce Yourself, and This Won't Happen

When Robby and I first joined the boxing gym, we were two of the very first members.  There were two trainers: 김 성 수ㅏand  이 기 봉and the few people who had joined the gym.  Since then, the gym has gotten really popular.  There are very many members and the two trainers have had to hire other trainers to compensate for the amount of members they now have.

Like I said, when we first started it was basically just us so the trainers learned our names and we learned theirs.  Now that the gym is so busy, there are three new trainers but we’ve never had the time to learn their names. 

No problem for us because we’ve come up with some pretty fitting nicknames for them.  The first day I saw the primary new trainer in the gym he was my trainer that day.  He was ruthless.  It was the most difficult workout I have ever had.  I wanted to die.  I really did.  I met Robby for drinking later and I said Robby, the new trainer, he’s like Hitler.  And thus, “Hitler.”

The next week, there was a second new trainer.  He’s really tall and when I trained with him I noticed a tattoo he has on his ankle of the Buddhist symbol/Swastika.  I am 99% sure that that tattoo is an association to Buddhism and not Nazism, but nonetheless, now his nickname is “Goebbels.”  It didn’t hurt that he somewhat resembles the infamous Reichsleiter.

I really like te last new trainer.  Now, most Korean dudes dress like hipsters.  Not because they are hipsters, but just because it’s Korean style.  But this guy, he is a hipster among hipsters.  And thus, we call him “Hipster.”

Now, we never thought these nicknames would come back to haunt us, but one night we saw Hitler out and about and so we called after him “Hitler!  What’s up  brother?”  We don’t know his real name!  I don’t think he picked up on it that time.  But I am certain that next time we won’t be so fortunate.

'7' Take Three

It had been a while since we’d been to the night club, and since Meg was out of town, and we were no longer were being invited to drink with the boxers, Robby and I decided it was time to go again.

The first part of our plan was to drink in Hakdong (which we love-I’ll get to this later or in another vignette) and see if we could spot some friends to bring with us.  You see, these past few weekends we’ve been sitting outside Wow Bar or various other places and people walk by that we know, from boxing or just from drinking around and meeting people, and they stop and drink with us.  We wanted this to happen.  But it wasn’t our night.  Our table at Wow was occupied and so were all the tables outside the ministops and all the other bars that have outdoor seating.  We were out of luck. 

Robby suggested we drink in Yosodong, and while I was reluctant because I thought for sure we’d never spot anyone we know there, our current predicament left us no other options.

We found a bar to drink outside of and we ordered some Soju and beer.  Not five minutes later a dude walked over to our table that we had apparently met last night in Hakdong (neither Robby nor I recall this) and he sat and drank with us for a bit.  We told him to bring his friends to our table but he told us they’d be too embarrassed because they don’t know English and even though Robby and I professed to speak as much Korean as possible he wouldn’t bring them over.  Anyway, he lives in Hakdong so we got his number and then off he went to drink with his friends. 

We were alone again, but that’s the best thing about being a wayguk in Korea.  We were not alone for long.  Soon after two guys sitting at the table next to us asked if they could join us.  So of course they could.  We told them of our night club plans which lead to a discussion about K-pop dancing (more on this later) and I stood up to perform my best 2NE1’s “내가 제이 잘나가” which is terrible but lead to the guys in the window that we were sitting in front of to perform their best “Gangnam Style” so there were random Korean dudes just Gangnam Styling in the window at us.  Greatness.  (Although I will say the novelty/hilariousness of seeing random people Gangnam Style down the streets is wearing off, especially after seeing a group of ten guys just Gangnaming down the street for a good three blocks the other day.) 

Anyway, so these guys were ALSO from Hakdong so we exchanged numbers and they told us they’d go to the night club with us.  We were still drinking when Robby (pretty drunk at this point) found a big weird-looking cricket, picked it up, and thought it would be hilarious to go up to a table of random Korean girls and put the cricket on their table and then just walk away.  This is why people hate foreigners.  Those girls lost their shit.  They freaked out and they were so mad.  We had to apologize profusely to them.  It was really funny in retrospect, but geez.

So we got to the night club finally.  And I will say this.  Koreans may love to sing, but they REALLY love to dance.  And not just dance.  Line dance.  They know at least 20 or 30 intricate line dances that I swear professional choreographers couldn’t pick up unless it was broken down for them step by step.  I mean, my god.  I tried so hard to learn even just one of the dances, but in the end I just looked like Lucy Ricardo in the Ballet Class episode where she just gives up and starts doing the Charleston.  That was me.

That was me until they extended the stage and invited people up there to dance.  No one was going up and I love attention so I decided to go up there and be the first one.  I did and DAMN I felt like a rockstar.

Eventually we left the night club because Robby was so gone.  On the cab ride home he just kept going “I love those people man, they’re good people.”  And I said, “Who?  The guys we met?”  And he said, “No.  All those people, man.” 

Jeju brings about the robot bitch slap

We went to Jeju for vacation for four days.  It was three foreigners (me, Meg, Robby) and 10 Koreans (Our boss May, her husband and his two nephews and one niece, May’s sister Jasmine and her three kids, and May’s mom.)  We took a ferry to Jeju and rented what I called “the party van.”  It was a big bus that more than comfortably fit all thirteen of us. 

I’ve spent some time with Jasmine’s three kids, as they are E-World students, but it was my first time meeting May’s husband’s nephews and niece.   Naturally, they were afraid of Meg, Robby and I because we’re foreigners.  We got to our pension and settled in.  We had two pensions and the foreigners were bunking with May’s husband’s niece and nephews.  Like I said, they were afraid of us.  Unbeknownst to me the youngest, 우 현 hid himself in the closet to escape.  I went to get a blanket and pillow out of the closet and when I opened the door 우 현 started screaming and I started screaming and we both just screamed at each other because he didn’t expect anyone to open the closet and I didn’t know anyone was in there.  It was so funny.  That kid turned into my bff for the trip. 

Later on in the trip we had a BBQ and we were talking about how our adult student Masashi is leaving back to Japan soon (he was in Korea working for the Expo which ends next weekend.)  Last week he gave all the teachers gifts.  We opened them and no one knew what they were so we asked Masashi.  He didn’t know either.  Lydia guessed it was a skirt, Robby guessed a table cloth, May guessed a scarf.  We’re having a goodbye party for Masashi on Friday and we decided we’re going to wear his mysterious gifts as capes to his goodbye party.  CANNOT WAIT.  It’s going to be hilarious.  We just decided, ‘”Oh, they’re capes.  Clearly capes.”

Later on in the trip Andrew, Jasmine’s son, found some crab/slug-like creatures at the beach.  He took them into the car and we were driving for a couple of hours when Robby asked ‘Andrew, are your friends ok?”  “Not ok.”  He responded.  “Die.  No in water and die.”    Later on we’re walking through E-Mart getting food for later when Andrew comes running up to me “KATIE!!!  NOT DIE!!!  ALIVE!!!!!!!!”  They then lived in the fresh sink water over night before eventually being discarded.

My favorite part of the trip was the boat ride back when Robby, Meg and I were on the deck with 우 현 and Andrew and we were just singing "I'm so curious yeeaaahhh - over and over) and dancing and pretend fighting (robot fighting - robot bitch slap) for like two hours.  Andrew is the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met in my entire life.  Sometimes he'll do this gangster move and I'll chime in like - "you doin' ho activities, with ho tendencies, hoes are your friends and hoes are your enemies."  Good thing he can't understand English.  Absolutely impossible to explain or describe this kid in words but we just annoyed everyone else on deck with our preposterousness.  We also invented “everybody Andrew’in.”  Ask me about this please, it must be demonstrated.  

1/10th of the Humor...

I have many a "special" student, trust me on this, many a "special" student.  Thus, it is somewhat unimaginable that I would be able to focus a blog on two above the rest, but after today...le sigh.  This one is for Atreyoo and Colin, respectively.

Atreyoo is an indescribable creature.   He's one of my older students; I'd say 12?  11?  But he's just not right.  He was named Atreyoo after the kid from The Never-Ending Story by a former teacher just before she left E-World.  What a perfect name for him.  He is my student, but he is famous at E-World because he's such a ridiculous person.  I really can't describe him at all, but when I tell you about a few stories in which he stars, just picture a fat, dumb, spacey-looking kid with bad teeth. 

So first of all, he's pretty dumb.  He is in the level just before Exploring (which begins the advanced English levels at E-World) which means his English should be pretty good by now.  The other day in class he asked me:  "Teacher.  'Shut up' spelling, whaaaattt????"  So I said: "A."  He wrote is down frivilously and then looked back up at me, so I said "T."  Again he scribbled it down.  "R."  Again.  "E."  Again.  "Y."  Again.  "O."  Again.  "O."  Then he looked down and snapped his head up "Teacher!!  Gah!!"  Really Atreyoo?  You didn't realized that "Shut Up" wasn't spelled A-T-R-E-Y-O-O until the last letter???  Come on.

A few weeks ago, his mother bought him a sharp pencil that was apparently really expensive.  Kids go crazy over sharp pencils here - this is literally a whole other story.  Anyway, he lost his sharp pencil right before my class.  I tried to help him look for it but it was nowhere to be found.  Eventually I started class.  But Atreyoo was very upset about the loss of his pencil and he just sat in his chair with an exasperated look on his face going "shaarrrrp-uh"  "shaaaarrrppp-uh."  Over and over.  I felt bad for him but it was so funny.  I tried to explain that, if anything, he should be going "penciiiiillll" "penciiiiilll."  But still he continued "shaarrrrppp-uh."

I know that last story cannot possibly be as funny on paper as it was in real life, but everything I think about it I laugh out loud to myself.  I'll do impressions of it in the future.

I have a plethora of stories about Atreyoo, but for now we'll move onto Colin.

This kid is a little troublemaker.  Again, difficult to describe, but I'll try.  He's in a pretty low English level.  He's about 8 or 9.  He is a really funny kid.  He's not bad per se, but he doesn't EVER shut his mouth or stop talking or sit down.  He always just plays around and giggles and makes loud ridiculous noises.  He ALWAYS draws poop.  No matter what the assignment is - poop.  One time I had them draw their dream house and his dream house was a poop house that was pooping.  So gross.

Whenever he cracks himself up so bad that he has to go to the bathroom he says "Ah!!!  Teacher!  Yellow water!!"  Sidenote and somewhat ironically, the word for blood in Korean is "Pee" 피. 

Today we had to read this stupid mini-story in class.  Every teacher hates this mini-story.  It's the absolute worst.  Here's the entirety of the dialog:  "Look!  A carrot!  Let's pull it out!"  "Ok!  Let's pull it out!"  "Use your arms!  Use your arms and legs!"  "Hooray!  The carrot is out."  Fucking stupid.

Anyway, after reading the mini-story, I asked all the students  "Did you like the story?  Yes, I did or No, I didn't."  I got to Colin and he said "I didn't like the story, but I liked the movie."

I realize as I write this that this in no way comes across on paper, but I laughed so hard in class - yellow water, yellow water.

Next, the students had to draw what they thought happens next in the story.  Once again, Colin provided absolute amusement.  "Colin, what happens next?" 

"Mother is, sister...home run!"  I look at his drawing and he drew a picture of the mother holding the carrot like a baseball bat and swinging at the daughter's head as if it were a baseball.  God, so funny.

Gonna miss this.

Frienemies?

         I got home yesterday around 5pm.  My roommate Meg was in Seoul and my other roommate Kayla was at church or something so I was home alone.  Or so I thought.  I turned on music and started to cook dinner.  I got a text from Meg’s boyfriend, San Gi, saying “what you doing?” and I said I was home cooking and so on.  Five minutes later I heard heavy breathing behind me and I turned around and San Gi was directly behind me.  I have never screamed so loud in my life.  (This is very typical of San Gi - he is the ultimate creeper.)  He was just hanging out in Meg’s room all day even though she wasn’t there.  At the time I was mostly annoyed and inconvenienced.

I called Robby to come over to save me from San Gi hitting on me while Meg was away.  He came by and soon the three of us were hanging out drinking when all of the sudden I heard a loud banging on my door.  I opened the door and there was this angry agishi screaming his lungs out at me in Korean.  I looked and he had kicked over a bag of recycling that I had left outside my door to remember to take downstairs later.  We’ve been doing this all year; no one has ever said anything.  I started to pick up the contents of the bag that HE knocked over all the while he is cursing at me in Korean.  He called me an idiot among other things.  Luckily San Gi was over and he stepped outside and San Gi and the angry agishi started yelling and screaming at each other and at one point San Gi was called “son of a bitch” (when a Korean says it in English, it comes out ‘son of a bitch-y’ – hehe.) 

Robby and I were pretty freaked out and we went back inside while San Gi and Angry Agishi duked it out.  About a half hour passed and Robby and I didn’t know where San Gi was so we went to look for him.  We found him downstairs in a restaurant drinking and laughing with Angry Agishi.  Then Angry Agishi was inviting us in to eat and drink.  I felt really uncomfortable but we went.  Anyway, it’s a really long story but in the end we ended up drinking with this guy for about two hours and he apologized and I half-heartedly apologized.  Geez.  Everything just escalated so quickly.  It was insane.

           Sadly, that was the better part of my night. 

Superman Dat Hoe

 

Last night I had plans with my friend Song Won.  I love Song Won.  He’s so sweet and so funny.  Sometimes he’ll just call to ask how I am and ask me what I did that day.  He’s a really nice guy and handsome guy.  But he thinks he’s not handsome.  He was telling me “this winter, face chang-y.”  Eye surgery, nose surgery….  Ridiculously unnecessary things, this guy is really handsome. 

Anyway so we hand plans and we were going to go to the singing room.  However, before we went I had to celebrate my friend Masashi’s birthday.  Song Won came for a bit and then he invited everyone to his coffee shop but no one wanted to go, except me.  So I went with him to his coffee shop and he cooked delicious food and made fun drinks for us.  Then he said he’d drive me home, not enough people for the singing room.  So we were on our way when he pulled out his phone and started playing music and singing along as eloquently as he could.  He has a great voice.

He was playing some English songs, among them, ‘Invisible’ by Clay Akin, which he was singing along to with all of the feverish passion he could possibly muster.  It was so funny, but I went along with it. 

Then he parked his car by Seonso and he kept playing music and singing while we walked along the water.  Then he started to play Soldier Boy and we both were doing to Soldier Boy dance outside by the water with cars dashing by…honestly hilarious.  Make it a life goal to watch a Korean dance to Solider Boy, seriously.

And then he drove me home.  It was such a random night.  Song Won is hilarious.

Tree Frog

This is a pure rant unrelated to Korea but just related to men.  Sorry boys and by boys I mean the only two people who read my blog, Steve and Phil.  Holla.

Anyways,  I spent three days, that's right,  three days coloring this awesome picture of a tree frog.  It was the best coloring ever.  It had shadowing and detail.  The best coloring I ever colored.  Could have gone up in the fucking Louvre.

I finished my coloring and decided to be cute and hide it in the Boxing gym for the boxing coach to find.  I fucking climbed five flights of stairs in the pitch dark secret entrance to the boxing gym like a goddamn ninja and taped my coloring next to the men's bathroom with the words "To: 김 성 수 From: Katie" written on it.  I figured, I worked really hard on my coloring but it would be appreciated.

Wrong.  Not even a thank you.  I'm not sure he got it.  It's been two days.  I am going to march in there tomorrow demanding Tree Frog.  WHERE IS TREE FROG??  Tree frog odiseyo?!?!  Give me Tree Frog, you don't deserve Tree Frog!!!

If it went missing I'm going to bring a blank coloring page of Tree Frog, hang it up with a sign that says "Have you seen this Tree Frog? Except, it's green."

Should have never thought to give Tree Frog away, I think of it and I am infuriated.  Leave it to a Korean dude to not appreciate the awesomeness of Tree Frog.  Never again.