Mia Korea

My Christmas was characteristically ridiculous.  About a week before Christmas, I planned a Christmas work party set for the 23rd.  A few days before the party, my boss comes into the work room and goes "umm...so would it be a big deal if we changed the date of the party to the 22nd?  I'm kind of getting married on the 24th."  So we were like..."WHAAAAAAAAT?????" and then of course we changed the party date.

Sidenote: my boss has, in the past, talked about how she wished she had a boyfriend and everything.  Turns out she's been seeing this guy for 13 years.  She's ridiculous.

Exposition: Back in October everyone from work went out to The Singing Room.  They're really into Mamma Mia right now so May (my boss) requested that we sing Mamma Mia and other various ABBA songs.

Later on in the week she came into the work room and was like "Katie, you should sing Mamma Mia for my wedding, haha."  So I said, "okay, haha."  And then she said "Really, you will?" and I was like "uhhh...yeah if you want me to Mamma Mia (a break-upish song) at your traditional Korean wedding May, then sure."

So I arrive at the wedding with my zip drive containing a karaoke mp3 version of Mamma Mia on it, thinking this is probably a chill wedding with a few people in attendance.  Also thinking, she's probably changed her mind about this.

Turns out there are a zillion people attending this wedding and it's really fancy.   Also turns out that Korean weddings are really short.  There's no fooling around.  The whole walking down the aisle and saying words of commitment and everything took only 10 minutes.  And then I heard "Keh-ee-tee"  and I was like "What.  Now?  Me?  Oh dear God."


So I went up there and sang karaoke Mamma Mia in front of a whole bunch of people and my boss and her husband all fancy and beautiful.  It was so ridiculous.  Who does that?

Too-Many-Bad-Seoul/Soul-Puns-Can't-Choose-Just-One

So I went to Seoul this weekend (all Seoul/Soul puns were present and accounted for) because I wanted to see Seoul and I was adopting a dog near the Seoul area.  I was adopting the dog on Sunday so I decided to go to Seoul on Saturday and spend the whole day meandering around.

I had to bring a dog crate to pick up the dog.  This proved to be quite amusing because Koreans are terrified of animals.  I've seen grown men cross streets to avoid a teeny little dog.  Yet everyone kept looking in my crate, and not subtly might I add.  No people were bending down and looking in the crate.  And when they didn't see anything they still weren't convinced that there was nothing in there  so they kept looking, like some animal was magically going to appear.

Anyways, so I got to Seoul and after an hour, I gave up looking for a hostel and settled for a hotel (grr).  I went and saw all the famous palaces although I should have just seen one because they are all exactly the same. But they are pretty cool to see; they are the epitome of Korea in my opinion.  (That was such a good use of a semi-colon!  Lynn Truss would be so proud!)  Then I walked down a strip to try and find an art museum when I saw a random door protruding from the ground.  So naturally I went in...

Turns out it was this huge underground museum dedicated to the Korean Admiral leader guy who was all "We are at the height of battle!  Do not tell them I'm deeeeaaadddd!!!!"

Everything was all fine and dandy until I found the "4D experience."  You know those big chairs they put you in that move all around and you wear 3D glasses and water and mist shoots out at you?  That's a 4D experience.  This particular 4D experience (and I have no idea why I thought it would be about anything else) was about the naval battle in which Admiral Sin "don't tell them I'm dead" surrounded Japan's ships and sunk them despite being outnumbered.  Now whoever thought it would be a good idea to give people the feel of being in war is a complete idiot.  This is THE WORST IDEA EVER.  There are bullets flying at you, ships are crashing into you, canons are exploding in your face.  It's absolutely AWFUL and all you feel at the end is terrified,  emotionally traumatized, and that you now might be eligible for some PTSD funding from the government.  I'm not even going to get into the portrayal of the Japanese commander or his maniacal laugh, mostly because there are just no words.

After that permanently scarring incident, I found a Rockefeller center-esk ice-skating rink and went skating at a Dollar Store-esk price.  Korean's can't ice-skate.  I really have stop stop making vast generalizations that have absolutely no support to them.  I retract the ice-skating statement.  I'd delete it, but I don't feel like holding down the delete button for that long.  That sentence is really far away.  Now it's even farther.  "You're older than you've ever been and now you're even older, and now you're even older, and now you're even older.*"

Later on, I walked around downtown, got a free hug from some Korean dudes who were giving out free hugs (I love those!) and then I bought the best purse ever.  Tricera-purse.


The next day I went to the shelter and got Benes.  She's such a good dog.  The guy that runs the shelter, who was dressed in military garb, somehow found out that I came all the way from Yeosu to get Benes and he freaked out.  He hugged me like a million times (Korean's aren't big on hugging, that's not an unwarranted generalization this time).  I was trying to ask him for the number of a taxi so I could get to the train station and he was all "My chingu, he drive, thank you!!!"  So this dude drove me to the station for free.  Normally in life, I have a lot of bad luck, but getting Benes has been nothing but good luck and good timing.  I was scared that I was making a mistake in getting a dog, but this is so right.


*They Might Be Giants

First Person Golfer

Of all the things I thought I might try or do or learn in Korea, Golf was never one of them.  Partially because (and I'm still under this impression) I never thought of Korea as having golf courses.

Well, as far as I know, they don't.  But after tonight, I have learned that they have something much more logical involving a lot less work.  Yes, I'm talking golf without all the exercise and slugging things around.  Golf for the uninspired.  Golf for the weak.  That is: VIRTUAL GOLF.

Now I know Virtual Golf has existed for years, mostly in the form of video games or arcades, but there is a very big distinction here.  First, let me explain how I stumbled upon this Korean goldmine.

A few days ago, my boss came into the teachers room, and in her very random, spontaneous way she said "you must want to talk to someone who can help you learn Korean, you should meet my friend."  I don't know if she was picking up on my lack of friends or if she just thought our personalities would be a good match but yadda yadda we set up a time to meet.

Tonight was that night.  Tonight was also the night I realized how little Korean I knew, for my boss's friend spoke very little English and conversation was really a struggle.  Long story short, our lack of good communication lead him into believing that I was an expert golfer.  Apparently "mini golf" doesn't mean in Korea what it means in America.

So Sang Min is all "Oh really??" And then says we should go and I'm all:
Me: "Ok!"
Sang Min: "Ok!"
Me:  "Now?"
Sang Min:  "Now?"
Me:  "Ok!"
Sang Min:  "Ok!"

I'm not a word off there.  So we get to the golf place and turns out it's a really big private room that in an ideal situation you go to with all of your friends, drink lots of beer and play some serious golf.  There's a sensor.  It's scary because the golf ball bounces so hard against the wall after you hit it that I couldn't help but ponder how many people have gotten seriously injured in one of these places (especially drunken ageshies).

And they were playing bird noises the whole time.  There were giant speakers and from them came only bird chirps and noises.  Is it because of the "birdie" in golf?  I don't know.

Anyway, apparently I'm god-AWFUL at golf.  I'm so so terrible.  Not once did I NOT hit double-par.  I have never felt like such a girl in my life!  Don't forget I played a hooker in a play this summer.  The worst part was that I had told him that I was good at golf.  1) Because I thought he meant mini golf and 2) because what are the chances you are ever going to be called out on a statement like that?

Aside from the fact that even though I sucked it really was a lot of fun, the one good thing I can say I got out of it (at the risk of exposing my inner dorkiness, oh wait...I do that everyday) is that I totally had a "hips before hands" moment.  Sang Min is a really nice guy and it was completely innocent; he was honestly trying his best to teach me how to play golf and to not completely fail (which I did despite all of his best efforts) but this mentoring resulted in my "hips before hands" moment, so even though it was meaningless, I still feel happy.

Aside from learning how to golf, who am I kidding I cannot golf my way out of a paper bag, I learned a few new Korean words!  I learned how to say 'closer,' 'back,' 'strong,' 'less strong,' and I forgot what else.  But very very important words for everyday conversation I'd say!

To conclude, in Korea, everything that you could ever want to do activity-wise can be done virtually somewhere in a temperature controlled room with beer and food.  I have yet to find any exceptions to this theory. 

There was talk of going skiing (I think?) but I have no idea if this means virtual skiing or real skiing.  To be continued....

Fan Death: You Are Die

So I have to admit how much I have come to love correcting my older classes' written assignments everyday.  Not because I like correcting papers.  On the contrary.  If I read the words "he is die" one more time all my students will die.  They won't "be die," they'll be dead.  I'm getting off topic.

Anyway,  it's fun because I inadvertently learn all of the silly things about Korea through these papers.  Today their topic was "What are some Korean superstitions and do you believe in them?"  (By the way, I just read Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation and now I'm super paranoid about my punctuation.)  Did I punctuate that correctly?  Again I diverge from the topic.  Help!

Some of the superstitions they wrote about were hilarious.  For example: don't cut your fingernails at night because then a goblin will come and eat them and the goblin will begin to look just like you so you'll have a clone.  Not gonna lie, that would be motivation for me to cut my fingernails at night.

Don't eat brown seaweed soup the day before a test because then you'll fail the test.  Why?  Because brown seaweed is slippery and therefore you'll be slippery during your test.

Don't sleep in a room with a fan on and the windows and doors closed or you will die.  Adults believe this one too.  For some reason their scientists haven't gotten around to debunking this one?  Silly Korea.

Using mix-matched chopsticks is bad luck.  The number four is very bad luck.  It's the numeral equivalent to our number 13 in that most hotels and apartment buildings don't have a fourth floor, they skip to five, like we do with the thirteenth floor in hotels.

It's very bad to write someones name in red ink.  It means they will die.

But my most favorite of all is this: water ghosts.  Apparently, water ghosts come from the ocean.  I don't know what they do or why they are different from regular ghosts.  But the two words next to each other really makes me laugh.  Water ghosts.  hehehehehe.

On another note, I figured out how to type in Korean on my computer!  멬 주 하 나 주 세 ㅛ!

Where The Watermelons Grow

Before today, it was my small-brained assumption that all people agree that a watermelon is a fruit.  A watermelon has seeds and tastes sweet and sugary and therefore, it is a fruit.  The real debate is tomatoes.  Are they fruit or vegetable?  They have seeds right?  So alas!  They must be a fruit!  Then what about cucumbers?  I’m getting off topic.

As I was saying, I had long ago made the assumption that I would never have to question the placement of a watermelon as being in the fruit category.  UNTIL TODAY.

Today in one of my classes I was having my students list fruits and vegetables.  When I suggested watermelon they told me it was a vegetable.  Assuming that they were not understanding the word ‘watermelon” I drew a picture and said, “it has seeds, it’s a fruit.”  And they said no!  It grows from the ground, it’s a vegetable!  And I said, “Strawberries grow from the ground!  Are they vegetables?”  “Yes!” they exclaimed.

Here, I presumed, we had a major misunderstanding, for strawberries and watermelons, which are sweet sweet things, surely are not considered vegetables in Asia.

So I asked a foreign teacher’s opinion.  She too told me that watermelons were vegetables.  Watermelons!!!  Watermelon.  Vegetable.  Watermelon=Vegetable? Ludicrous.

Unable to accept this, I began questioning students in the halls:

“Is a watermelon a fruit or a vegetable?” 

“A vegetable.” 

“A vegetable?!?  Are you crazy?!?  It’s a fruit!”

“Hey!  This is KOREA!!!!  A watermelon is a vegetable!!!”

And there’s a cultural barrier I did NOT expect to encounter. 

I'd Rather Be a Germaphobe

I went to the coffee shop tonight to write an essay for a fellow foreigner who is doing a dissertation paper on teaching English in Korea or something like that.  I love writing and I kind miss writing essays so I figured why not contribute to society instead of holing up in my room playing sporcle quizzes.

I'm really sick, so I bring a role of toilet paper with me wherever I go in case I need to blow my nose.  While I wouldn't put it past 95% of my kids to give me diseases, I blame this particular sickness on one particular child.  Mr. Shawny-pants.  Shawny-pants, as I like to call him, did me the kind injustice last Friday of gathering up spit in his mouth and then taking my curriculum paper and slobbering allllll over it.  And when he was done, he ripped it in half.  Now I come in an hour early to work to write up my curriculum.  I needed that paper.  So I took the slobbery ripped up paper and brought it along to my remaining classes.  (Gross I know, but arguably not as gross as the walking germ infestations that are children).  The best was when other students would pick up the slobbery ripped papers and say "Teachah what?  Teachah whaaaat?"  and then I'd tell them what happened to it.  Lesson: don't touch my stuff kids. he he.

(Sidenote:  Koreans hate when people blow their noses in public, yet they have no problem spitting everywhere at all times.  In stairwells, in corridors, you name it.  Boys, girls, women, men, children, everyone does it, it's the thing to do.  It's gross.  They have no problem very audibly coughing up a lung and mustering a loogie full of mucus, but blowing your nose...now that's taking it too far.)

Anyway, so I'm at the coffee shop, blowing my nose and writing this paper after a long sick day of attempting to control over-worked, hyperactive children when a cute little kid comes over to me.  First he just looks at me.  Then he comes over to me.  Not knowing what to do as he stares at me and my computer, I hand him one of the chips I was eating because he was a little chubby and all chubby kids want snacks.  Right?

Well, right, but I should have known that once you feed them, you're never rid of them.  So now the kid starts speaking Korean to me so I say "Hangul, Chogum" which basically means "I only know a little Korean."  And then he's all "ok" but then continues to talk a mile a minute to me in Korean.  So to divert his attention from the fact that I'm smiling and nodding because I have no idea what he's saying, I try to look up a computer game for him to play on my computer.  But, nothing is interesting to him.  He is bored with my computer and he is bored with his legos that he brought over to show me and he is starting to take interest in my used tissues.  So I tell him "noooo grooossss" and I think he gets it, but then again you'd think he'd understand not to touch them after watching me use them.  But kids are gross, and they give me diseases.

Even on my few hours off, the unwanted kid magnet that I have, manages to bring on the children.